I’ve always known that I love to be alone, but recently I’ve learned that I would actually rather be alone by myself than with others. It seems that this should have been something that I’ve always known, but it isn’t. Maybe I was in denial and didn't want to admit to myself that I would rather sit in my bed and knit and watch gossip girl or vampire diaries and play with my cats then have to get out of my bed and have formal conversations with people. Believe it or not, what made me realize that I prefer to be on my lonesome is my moms sporadic non serious appointment with a psychic. The psychic told her that her daughter (aka me) loves to be alone, and there isn’t any specific date on when she will find her soulmate. Whereas my brothers apparently have specific dates on when they will find their soulmates. Max will find his last fall (which happened), and James will find his in the first week of the new year of 2025. Of course this made me realize that people that don’t even know me realize how sidetracked I am and how I couldn't be more interested in trying to find a partner. Of course I want to have a partner, more so I want to date and explore the realm, explore my sexual desires, etc. I just don’t want to put in the effort. I don't want to have to sign up for dating apps, dedicate a whole night to try to find someone I’m attracted to at a bar. It's honestly a lot of work and right now I’m at a stage in my life where I’m focused on other things and I have my priorities set on what I actually want to do with my life in regards to my career.
Though probably the biggest reason why I’m lacking a dating life is the fact that I’m mostly really scared and I have big fears in being vulnerable to someone, and being the person that someone is in love with is a lot of pressure and is really scary. For some reason it gives me anxiety to think that someone is attracted to me, that someone wants to have sex with me. It feels nasty or gross, maybe because I believe the idea of sex is gross, and the fact that someone would want to do it with me is even more gross. That there is a commitment to have to put out, to deliver the right desires to someone. There's also the fact that I can’t imagine that anyone could ever be aroused by me of all people. Obviously I have big confidence issues. I feel small, unvalued and not heard of, gross, fat, weird, not fun or funny, and lastly of course not flirty or arousing at all. I went through most of my teenage years feeling undervalued and felt that no one was truly listening to me or paying any attention or actually looked up to me as a mentor. I never felt important or seen. With this, this obviously has caused a lot of issues with my self esteem which in turn created barriers in dating people. The amount of social anxiety I have when the opportunity arises that I could have an opportunity to date someone is unheard of. My terrible anxiety gets the best of me and doesn’t take me past the first date. Either my anxiety stops the date by the fact that I ghost people who are very interested in me and want to take it to the next level fast, or it cripples me from trying to communicate with my date or be relaxed or be my best self. Of course, the idea of commitment is scary, being around each other consistently, having to sleep in the same bed together every night, but honey...I barely have experience with sex. So let's take one anxious thought at a time.
Anyways, we have much more time to talk about my pathetic dating life and the lack of effort I’m putting worth in the subject matter. The main point I wanted to get to is the fact that because of my love for being alone, I have a big passion for internal self communication and conjuring up important topics in my mind. I’ve spent some time writing in a journal which is helpful and important for me, but I wanted to be able to bring some of what I was communicating in my journal out in the open, out in public. My goal is to help others relate, to connect, to laugh or understand. With all my alone time, I feel that I’m able to think more, feel more, be more creative, write more, and lastly be more like myself. Because of this I feel I’m extra qualified to create a blog. I’m thrilled to be doing this since it's free therapy lol, it's also such a huge outlet for me. Being an introvert, a blog is the perfect way for someone like me to express my emotions, it makes me feel seen even if there's not a lot of people reading my posts, or not anyone at all.
Please enjoy and take advantage of this space to think, feel, reflect, or anything else it motivates you to do. As of now there is no set schedule on when I will be posting, but always check up on my website to see any updates. Soon I will create a schedule, create daily challenges, fun activities, etc. But now, I just wanted to introduce myself and officially create a space where everyone feels comfortable and welcomed. I hope to communicate again soon. Stay in touch!
