Good afternoon cracklin speaks fans. Now that my site is official and live and I have published my first blog post, its time to get into the dirty work.
So right now I’m currently applying for grad school to get an MSW degree (masters in social work). I have finished the process and have applied to 6 schools. I wanted to make this a big thing, a big process, a time where I wanted to get myself organized and ready for applying. A time where I actually set aside and dedicated a specific time where I would actually apply to grad school.
Before going through the process, I was still on the fence with going to school and making the leap to become a licensed clinical social worker. My goal was to become a licensed therapist, but I was not 100% sure that’s what I wanted to do, I was a little skeptical to go through with the plan. So I didn’t put applying to school on the calendar or my to do list. I told myself, once I 100% know, once there is a huge shining light and a massive green sign that says, “YES, YOU NEED TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL FOR SOCIAL WORK, THIS IS YOUR LIFES CALLING.” Once I felt so sure of myself about the situation, then I would get to work and plan on when I would apply to school, get my first job, start my own therapy practice. I was waiting for this green light, and waiting, and oh yes…I continued to wait, and nothing. After my recent job that I quit in New York with HELP USA (a family residence shelter), I decided to go back home to Lake Placid and get a job at St. Joes Treatment Addiction Center as a Peer Support Specialist. I was feeling stuck, feeling that every day was the same, that nothing was changing, and I felt very unsatisfied with my life and was exhausted. I was not enjoying my job at HELP and it was making me hopeless about my future in the field of social work. I never felt so indecisive about my life. I kept going back and forth about what I wanted to do. I had no clear goal and I felt very lost at the same time. I was feeling very depressed and anxious.
So I decided to quit my job and move to Lake Placid, which is where I grew up. Lake Placid is in the mountains far in upstate NY, far away from sound, far away from people, far away from everything. I started a job at St. Joes Treatment Addiction Center as a peer and when I first started, I hated it, but now…I’m obsessed with my job. I think the biggest reason why I grew to love it is the fact that I KNOW FOR A FACT that this job is temporary. When I started HELP I had no goals, no events, no timelines in the future, nothing on the horizon except this job and blurry thoughts about maybe pursuing a graduate degree in social work. So I felt very stuck and very unhopeful. Recently one night (after my first two weeks of working at St. Joes) my mother, brother, grandfather, and myself were all sitting down for dinner and my mother asked me if I heard back from any schools yet (because I lied and told her that I applied for social work schools lol). I lied and I said I got accepted to some of them. She got really excited, but I told her that I was rethinking going back to school, but then she convinced me to fake accept an offer from one of them. This for some reason got me in an all-night frenzy where I spontaneously applied to Hunter College for social work. After that night I applied to 5 more throughout the next week. I finally broke down and just applied to schools and did what I really wanted to do (or is it?).
After making a decision to go back to school, I finally feel that there is something in the future to look forward to, so I don’t feel so stuck in my job at St. Joes. St. Joes is also a great job to have right now, and I much rather have this job then the job I had at HELP regardless of my decision of going back to school. Its very relaxing. Ever since I made that decision, everyday I feel excited, hopeful, ready for the future. Who knows if this is my all time dream? Is it the right decision to go to school, who knows…maybe. But my mental health is finally better than it has been in a long time since actually making this decision. Was it fucked up that I applied on a whim because my mom convinced me to do so? Maybe? Did I apply to school for the right reasons? I don’t know. The moral of the story is sometimes there is no divine intervention. Sometimes you don’t know for sure and you just have to take a leap of faith. I think the fact that I was waiting to decide was actually making me more anxious than actually applying to schools. There is still a feeling inside me that is afraid that becoming a social worker is not my life’s calling and its not what I want to do. But who knows? Maybe it is? I think going to school will figure that out for me.
I got into 3 schools I applied to so far: Fordham, Tennessee, Yeshiva. The other three (NYU, Hunter, Columbia) I did not hear back from yet and those are the ones I actually care about. It does suck that I didn’t take the time to actually go through my applications and perfect them, but I have a feeling that I will get into NYU, Hunter, AND Columbia since social work grad school applications are not competitive. I’m VERY anxious and the only thing that I’ve been thinking about recently is getting into any of these three schools. I consistently call the admissions office and check when I would hear back (they hate me), I consistently check my school portals, and don’t get me started on my email…I just check it every 30 minutes. I swear to god. I feel that my life is passing me by because all I’m thinking about is getting into these schools. I just need to stay in the present moment, be patient, and enjoy my life…easier said then done right?
Lol, well I will keep you updated. You probably were not expecting a new blog post so early!
